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How it all started – by envision.


Malarkey was formed in late 2004 by a group of close CS mates. Not actual real life, go down the pub together mates of course, as we’re not geeks (apart from Jim, we were his only friends). But who, you may ask, were the original founders? There were 2 fine young men, QuakerOates and h3 (short A tbh, rush tbh, bridegroom tbh, tbhtbhtbh). Both were in a clan called USF, a clan where the CL couldn’t speak English, play CS or tie his shoe (that last one is unconfirmed and could just be a malicious rumour). After months of frustration, Quaker and h3 decided to leave and start a new clan.


Of course, there was a lot of work to be done – for one, getting some members. Quaker knew the guys to ask! Angry Jimmy (not really angry at all, just a bit weird), envisioN^ (super stud) and spliff. All 3 played regular mixes with the old USF boys, and all knew how to speak English, play CS and tie their shoe. Once they joined up, it was full steam ahead. However, the issue of a clan name was still needed. A few were banded about, but nothing particularly good. Suddenly, Quaker had a flash of genius (his one and only) - and Malarkey was born


As the guys were not super g33ks who were on 24/7, more members were needed. In came Vortex^ (come on env, its only 4am, lets go spray some targets on cs_academy), T-money (“ffs get rates!”) and b0b (whats Short A?). Now it was time to get into Enemy Down. Quaker made a quick site, and we played some PCW’s to get going. ED rejected us (perhaps they didn’t appreciate Quakers 2 minute job). I think they rejected us more than once, but oh well…Vortex was former CL of some noob clan who never played a game in Division 3. A quick name change and ta-da! Welcome Malarkey to Enemy Down Division 3.


Thing’s didn’t start too well. Our members were a bit busy and so we struggled for a team initially. Celsiuz, a highly skilled weirdo joined briefly. He left after trying to suck spliffs cock over vent (ha ha). But once we got going, things progressed well. We made steady progress up the Division 3 ladder gaining good wins in officials and PCW’s over clans who today, are in ED Prem and above. h3^ left and rejoined a couple of times, but then he left again.


Progress to Division 2 was made easier when eif, ToucH, Splasher and Mo joined up. All 4 were active and skilled and soon enough we got to Division 2. Times got tough however, as a few stupid mistakes resulted in us drawing 4 matches in Division 2 which we should have won with ease. People started going inactive and leaving - the clan went stale for a good couple of months, as our vent and server also expired. Jim grew his first pube and went inactive to marvel over it. Spliff was out on the streets of Edinburgh, throwing bits of dirt at riot police while the G8 summit was on, but he was still around occasionally.    


However, not to be deterred, Quaker and envisioN^, the 2 remaining active players on the roster went on a recruiting mission. With the help of our good friends aK| clan, we managed to trial people in some PCW’s. In came a whole load of new players. Blackbolt_, BucKo and af1 joined, along with Kiz^, And1 and rothko and a new generation of Malarkey players appeared on the scene. envisioN ^ was particularly happy, as replacing the skilled players of Malarkey’s past wasn’t an easy job, but the players recruited were perhaps even better.


aK| folded, and Random and Zoned were immediately invited in as they are probably the nicest people around in the whole world, ever! A new server was bought, and Malarkey became active again.


A 10 day period of ED matches got us into Division 1 with no real problems. The future looked bright, however this could just have been the sun shining in envisioN’s eyes as the future for the clan was actually quite shit for a while.


People left randomly, and with some players demanding an active first choice five, while some didn’t want to become geeks, further recruitment was needed. Shaun joined briefly and whilst he was skilled and nice and stuff like that, he too wasn’t willing to turn into a CS geek. So two players were found, Killuminati and Damage, nice at first but destructive in the long run.


Along with Blackbolt_ the 3 of them formed an “alliance” (very cool boys, very cool), and decided that they needed to become the best CS players in the world. This annoyed most of the remaining members as…well, pure geekage is never cool and just doesn’t attract any girl’s tbh. Shit hit the fan when after all pulling out of playing an official as they didn’t have a regular 4th and 5th to play with (hey, whose clan was it, ours or theirs?!) and generally being sarcastic dicks, envision^ had enough. He went inactive, left IRC and took a fat dump. Ironically now (in 2008), env has a quick scan, and none of the said members have seemed to make it pro.


The morale of that story is – don’t be a dick online as you’ll never make it pro, and dicks like env will note it down in history.


Back to the main story, this caused a mass exodus and pretty much everyone left. QuakerOates, never one to give up, immediately posted a recruitment post on the ED site. No one ever knows what came of that, as the next day he removed himself from the roster and disappeared. And so Malarkey went quiet for a while, a few members remained close and kept in contact, however everyone joined different clans.


Fast-forward 4 months, Zoned and rothko demand a Malarkey reform and persuaded envision^ to return from his self imposed exile of raping helpless noobs on public servers. Recruitment was by invite only - random came home eventually (a bit like ET, but without that stupid flying bike). Mike and Lee, two guys envisioN^ had chatted up came along for the ride. Nexus joined briefly but his love for his girlfriend sickened everyone to the extent that we all puked our guts up every time he logged onto MSN - he didn’t last long.


Spliff, still bruised from his encounters with the riot police at the G8 summit, returned. His habit of joining in PCW’s he’s wasn’t playing in “just so he can play a few rounds” is as strong as ever and he actually eats haggis but whatever. DJ Lam, a gangsta rapping Swede and a close friend of the clan for a long time, joined too. He can be found gangsta rapping about ho’s and bitches late into the night on IRC.


BucKo also returned, however he is now rubbish and even envision^ is better than him. However, he’s still the cheeky young scamp he always was and was welcomed back despite getting a score of like, 2-15 on his return. Angry Jimmy (remember him, the one that grew his first pube at 19?) also made a triumphant return, he’s still a complete cock but hilarious all the same.


ED matches have been played, but we’re somewhere near mid table. We’re not particularly bothered about this, as raping ED doesn’t get us girls so we’re here just for the laughs and rothko’s late night necrophilia chats. 


As a clan, we’re evolving all the time so no doubt this page will be updated again in a few months time. But as this long-as-fuck history of the greatest clan that ever was (fact) comes to a close, one ponders how to conclude it. This is how:


The End




Malarkey Clan Post 2006


During this difficult time the clan was severely in-active with bruised egos in some quarters and life taking over with Uni, girlfriends, work, etc taking its told.

An old face from back from the USF days joined, FoolBoY became a permanent member after in many occasions mercing for us, he has to this day stayed loyal and kept the emphasis going for the clan to be active.  He would say things to QuakerOates like;

when is the clan going to be active…” and after time hearing this several attempt where made to bring it back into the main-stream.


Malarkey Clan – Fast forward to 2008


Well it has been nearly a year and half and the clan has been inactive from all leagues apart from the rare meet-up from those left in the irc channel.


In January QuakerOates decided enough is enough and was bored of pub games and missed the clan warfare we used to have.

With the help of FoolBoy the long term serving member who was part of the clan since the USF days, we started recruiting.  Some nubs stuck around but where not good enough, so we turn to old SXE clan members that where pals of AJ (AngryJimmy) who hanged around with them and played wars.

In came Caution, Krona and Cerial Killer to form a good core of 5 active players in 2008 team, AJ was still in-active (doing piss-ups at Uni and finishing his final year) and since March 2008 the clan has been actively playing ED wars 2-3times a weeks.


The story continues…


#malarkey irc channel formed Sunday 2nd August 2009 website registered and brought online 27th July 2007





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